Uusimmat jutut ja päivitykset aikajärjestyksessä

2017-10-31

Niska kuntoon

( / Vapauden tuskaa / Hankintaosaaminen )

2017-10-31

Tönäisemisen taito

Ihmisen ostopäätökset eivät kuulemma välttämättä perustukaan järkeen ja tietoon.

( / Vapauden tuskaa / Yritysidea )

2013-12-4

Jälkikirjoitus: Nollatoleranssi korruptiolle

Kirjoitus paikallisessa lehdessä ja facebook-kommentit suomalaisesta korruptiosta väänsi minut näkemään ärtymykseni eilistä jalommin. Kyseessä on nollatoleranssi korruptiota ja muuta kusetusta kohtaan ;-) Ärryn samalaisista asioista Suomessakin.

( / Pientä sivuansiota )

2013-04-14

Eutopia

( / From eutopia to mafia state )

2013-02-28

Kahakka

Viljelijän uusimpia kuulumisia vapaasti suomennettuna

( / Vihdoinkin Afrikassa / Viljelijän arkea )

2013-01-18

Vastuskyky

Malarialle ei tule immuuniksi, mutta malarialoiset sen sijaan tuppaavat tulemaan vastustuskykyiksi lääkkeille.

Lääkärimme mukaan Malarone on hyvä lääke kahdesta syystä: Loiset eivät ole sille vastuskykyisiä — vielä, eikä sitä väärennetä — vielä.

( / Toinen (ja kolmas) vuosi Abujassa / Virtsatientulehdus? Munuaiskiviä? Malaria? )

2013-01-16

Häivähdys korruptiota

—  Älkää koskaan maksako mitään käteisellä liikennepoliisille, neuvoi turisteille jaettava opaslehtinen.

( / Toinen (ja kolmas) vuosi Abujassa / Joululoma )

2013-01-15

Luontevan ystävällistä palvelua

Kysyimme poliisilta tietä Cape Townin satama-alueella sijaitsevaan Panama Jackin ravintolaan.

—  Oikealle, vasemmalle, vähän matkaa suoraan ja siellä se on. Kävelymatka.

( / Toinen (ja kolmas) vuosi Abujassa / Joululoma )

2013-01-12

Neuvotteluvoima

Etelä-Afrikan alkuperäiset asukkaat ja hollantilaiset neuvottelivat maanomistuksesta.

—  Mitä te tekisitte, jos me tulisimme laiduntamaan karjaamme Amsterdamin liepeille? alkuperäisasukkaiden neuvottelija kysyi.

—  Ampuisimme. Niin kuin ammumme nytkin, ellette siirry sisämaahan, oli hollantilaisten vastaus.

( / Toinen (ja kolmas) vuosi Abujassa / Joululoma )

2012-12-29

India Venster Trail

Nuoriso järjesti meille opastetun "patikoinnin" Pöytävuorelle.

( / Toinen (ja kolmas) vuosi Abujassa / Joululoma )

2012-12-20

Why Nigeria is a dysfunctional state

"Powerful people will always seek to grab power and undermine a broadly shared prosperity for their own greed. Keep those people in check, and a nation succeeds, unchecked, a nation fails."

( / Toinen (ja kolmas) vuosi Abujassa / Pikku päivityksiä / Joulukuu 2012 )

2012-12-18

Lamppuöljyä tankkiin

The Guardian kertoo pistokokeiden paljastaneen, että yli 60%:lla huoltoasemista dieselin joukossa on vähintään 60% keroseenia, joka on tarkoitettu kotitalouksien öljykaminoihin ja -liesiin sekä öljylamppuihin.

( / Toinen (ja kolmas) vuosi Abujassa / Pikku päivityksiä / Joulukuu 2012 )

2012-12-14

First Grader

Surfailin eilen illalla tv:n elokuvakanavilla. Mikään ei innostanut.

( / Toinen (ja kolmas) vuosi Abujassa / Pikku päivityksiä / Joulukuu 2012 )

2012-12-03

Bensapula

Bensapulan takia lähetystön autoista yhden tankki on tyhjä. Niille huoltoasemille, jotka ovat onnistuneet samaan bensaa myytäväksi, on satojen metrien jonot. Myös katu­kauppiaiden muovi­kanistereistaan myymää kalliimpaa bensaa jonotetaan aina kun sitä on saatavilla.

( / Toinen (ja kolmas) vuosi Abujassa / Pikku päivityksiä / Joulukuu 2012 )

2012-12-01

"Teinimummo" peilailee itseään yllään pusero, jonka on ostanut kaksikymmentä vuotta sitten:

—  Tämä pusero on jotenkin kulahtanut!

( / Toinen (ja kolmas) vuosi Abujassa / Pikku päivityksiä / Joulukuu 2012 )

2012-11-30

Harmattanin alkua.

Aamu on tasaisen harmaa kuin pilvisen sadepäivän alku, vaikka aurinko on jo noussut.

( / Toinen (ja kolmas) vuosi Abujassa / Pikku päivityksiä / Marraskuu 2012 )

2012-11-30

Kampaus

Vaimo kävi kampaajalla.

—  Nythän sinä näytät ihan suurlähettiläältä, kommentoi vekkuli kollega Intiasta.

( / Toinen (ja kolmas) vuosi Abujassa / Pikku päivityksiä / Marraskuu 2012 )

2012-11-29

Towards a fruitful national prayer

( / Toinen (ja kolmas) vuosi Abujassa / Pikku päivityksiä / Marraskuu 2012 )

2012-11-26

Transformation

Yksi Nigerian poliitikkojen iskusanoista on pitkään ollut "transformation", jolla tarkoitetaan mm. Nigerian kehittämistä maailman merkittävimpien talouksien joukkoon.

( / Toinen (ja kolmas) vuosi Abujassa / Pikku päivityksiä / Marraskuu 2012 )

2012-11-20

Ilmastonmuutos

Täkäläinen lehdistö kirjoittaa ilmastonmuutoksesta eri sävyssä kuin länsimaissa. Ilmastonmuutosta ja sen aiheuttamia vaikeuksia — nykyisiä ja tulevia — pidetään itsestäänselvyytenä ja jutuissa etsitään keinoja sopeutua ilmastonmuutokseen.

( / Toinen (ja kolmas) vuosi Abujassa / Pikku päivityksiä / Marraskuu 2012 )

2012-11-16

Töpseli

Vaihdoin pistotulpan sulakkeen. Ruuvasin pistotulpan auki, väänsin meisselillä 3A sulakkeen irti ja laitoin tilalle unbreakable-pistotulpasta ottamani 13A sulakkeen. Fused = 3A, unbreakable = 13A.

( / Toinen (ja kolmas) vuosi Abujassa / Pikku päivityksiä / Marraskuu 2012 )

2012-11-15

Ulkoinen tukiranka

Minun olisi pitänyt hankkia kunnollinen kaularangan tuki jo ennen ensimmäistä leikkausta.

( / Lapsuuden loppu )

2012-11-14

Sitouttaminen

"Toimittaja" kirjoitti, että hänen osavaltionsa kuvernöörille pitäisi järjestää eläke - 110% kuvernöörin palkasta, joka ei liene pieni sekään. Lisäksi hänelle pitäisi järjestää eläkepäiviksi täysi ylöspito ja kunnolliset asunnot henkilökuntineen sekä osavaltion että liittovaltion pääkaupungista.

( / Toinen (ja kolmas) vuosi Abujassa / Pikku päivityksiä / Marraskuu 2012 )

2012-11-00

Maatalous

Lehtijuttu työttömyydestä pisti miettimään kehitystä. Yhdeksi työllistämisen keinoista kirjoittaja esitti maatalouden kehittämistä.

( / Toinen (ja kolmas) vuosi Abujassa / Pikku päivityksiä / Marraskuu 2012 )

2012-11-00

Autolla Lagosiin

Matkasimme autolla Lagosiin nähdäksemme Nigeriaa. Lähdimme Abujasta sunnuntai aamulla kello kuusi ja olimme hotellissa illalla seitsemän jälkeen. Näimme savannia, viidakkomaista pusikkoa ja muutaman vähän meille tutuista poikkeavan kylän. Lisäksi reitillemme sattui kaksi tienviittaa: Abujasta lähtiessä viitta lentokentälle ja Lagosissa viitta Victoria Islandille.

( / Toinen (ja kolmas) vuosi Abujassa / Pikku päivityksiä / Marraskuu 2012 )

2012-11-00

Väkivaltaa

Väkivaltaa

( / Toinen (ja kolmas) vuosi Abujassa / Pikku päivityksiä / Marraskuu 2012 )

2012-10-00

Noo Saro-Wiwa, Transwonderland: Travels in Nigeria.

Ken Saro-Wiwan tytär palaa Nigeriaan kymmenen vuoden poissaolon jälkeen.

( / Lähtövalmisteluja / Odottelua / Lisää kirjalöytöjä )

2012-09-00

Lola Shoneyin: The secret lives of Baba Segi's wives.

Kokoelmallaan vaimoja ja isolla lapsikatraallaan Baba Segi todistaa kavereilleen viriiliyttään.

( / Lähtövalmisteluja / Odottelua / Lisää kirjalöytöjä )

2011-nn-00

Chinua Achebe

Chinua Acheben kirjat "Things fall apart" ja "Arrow of God" kertovat mielenkiintoisesti Länsi-Afrikkalaisen kylän tavoista ja elämän muuttumisesta siirtomavaltojen hivuttautuessa sisämaahan.

( / Lähtövalmisteluja / Odottelua / Nigerialaista kirjallisuutta )

2011-nn-00

Ben Okri

Ben Okri yhdistää kirjassaan"The famished road" realistista kuvausta köyhän kadun elämästä päähenkilön — nuoren pojan — surrealistisiin unijaksoihin.

( / Lähtövalmisteluja / Odottelua / Nigerialaista kirjallisuutta )

2011-nn-00

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichien

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichien "purple hibiscus" kertoo äidin ja tyttären elämästä ankaran pappisisän komennossa ja "Half of a yellow sun" yliopistoväestä palvelijoineen Biafran sodan jaloissa. Novellikokoelman The thing around your neck tarinoista osa kertoo elämästä Nigeriassa, osa nigerialaisen elämästä lännen kultamaassa Amerikassa tai pyrkimyksestä sinne.

( / Lähtövalmisteluja / Odottelua / Nigerialaista kirjallisuutta )

2011-nn-00

Ken Saro-Wiwa

Ken Saro-Wiwan "Sozaboy" kertoo nuoresta Menestä, joka ajautuu hakeutumaan sotaan, josta ei mitään ymmärrä ja jonka asetelma jää lukijallekin hämäräksi.

( / Lähtövalmisteluja / Odottelua / Nigerialaista kirjallisuutta )

2011-nn-00

Chika Unigwe

Chika Unigwe on Belgiassa asuva nigerialainen kirjailija. Hänen kirjansa "On black sister's street" kertoo Belgiassa työskentelevien nigerialaisten prostituoitujen elämäntarinoita.

( / Lähtövalmisteluja / Odottelua / Nigerialaista kirjallisuutta )

2011-nn-00

Adaobi Tricia Nwaubani

Adaobi Tricia Nwaubanin kirja I do not come to you by chance on osin hilpeä veijaritarina nigerialaiskirjeitä kirjoittamaan ajautuvasta nuoresta miehestä.

( / Lähtövalmisteluja / Odottelua / Nigerialaista kirjallisuutta )

2011-nn-00

Geoffrey Gorer

"Africa dances" kirjan kirjoittaja oli englantilainen kulttuuriantropologi, joka tutustui 30-luvulla Pariisissa länsi-afrikkalaiseen balettitanssijaan ja lähti tämän kanssa kiertämään autolla Länsi-Afrikkaa tutustuakseen afrikkalaiseen tanssiin ja siihen liittyviin luonnonuskontoihin.

( / Lähtövalmisteluja / Odottelua / Nigerialaista kirjallisuutta )

2011-nn-00

Adam Hochschild

Adam Hochschildin King Leopold's Ghost ei kerro Nigeriasta vaan kolonialismista Kongossa, mutta pohjimmiltaan kolonialismi lienee kaikkialla ollut samanlaista.

( / Lähtövalmisteluja / Odottelua / Nigerialaista kirjallisuutta )


Sivuston avainsanoja

Idea oli minusta tosi hauska, mutta toteutus ei vielä minua huvita. Hauskoja avainsanoja ei ole aivan helppo keksiä.

kuulan lentorataan

/ / Python hyttysjahdissa ja muita pelejä / "Hyttysjahti" oppitunnin kulku / morssari.py / v5: Otetaan huomioon ilmanvastus, räjäytetään maali, lisätään ääniä.

Bayer

/ / Joulukuun ensimmäinen 2006 / Terve mieheen

Cialis

/ / Joulukuun ensimmäinen 2006 / Terve mieheen

HealtCare

/ / Joulukuun ensimmäinen 2006 / Terve mieheen

Irakilaiset

/ / Joulukuun kuudes 2006 / Irak

Khomeini

/ / Joulukuun kuudes 2006 / Irak

Kidutus

/ / Lokakuun 14. 2006

Levitra

/ / Joulukuun ensimmäinen 2006 / Terve mieheen

kristilliset arvot

/ / Lokakuun 14. 2006

rautakankea

/ / Joulukuun ensimmäinen 2006 / Terve mieheen

"Helsinki - suosittu automarket"

/ / Autokuormittain elämää Helsingin keskustaan.

American Patriot

/ / Bill of Rights

Bill of Rights

/ / Bill of Rights

Eulerin menetelmän

/ / Python hyttysjahdissa ja muita pelejä / "Hyttysjahti" oppitunnin kulku / Voimia ja liikettä

I do not come to you by chance

/ / Lähtövalmisteluja / Odottelua / Nigerialaista kirjallisuutta

Kansan oikeustaju

/ / Näkökohtia

Kosovo

/ / Pieniä mietteitä / Kosovo

Lista

/ / Python hyttysjahdissa ja muita pelejä / "Hyttysjahti" oppitunnin kulku / HyttysJahti.py / Vaihe 5: Luodaan parvi hyttysiä

Maan ja Kuun vetovoimat

/ / Python hyttysjahdissa ja muita pelejä / "Hyttysjahti" oppitunnin kulku / KuuAlus.py / Ohjauksen apuvälineitä

Maan vetovoima

/ / Python hyttysjahdissa ja muita pelejä / "Hyttysjahti" oppitunnin kulku / Voimia ja liikettä

Markkinoiden näkymätön käsi

/ / Kaksi pientä mietettä

Mopotus

/ / Näkökohtia / Vain mulkku mopottaa

Moskovan kortti

/ / Vaalidemagogiaa

Muutosjohtaja

/ / Syksy 2008 / Muutoksen hallinta

Mörssäri

/ / Python hyttysjahdissa ja muita pelejä / "Hyttysjahti" oppitunnin kulku / morssari.py

Newtonin mekaniikan

/ / Python hyttysjahdissa ja muita pelejä

Pala Suomen perustuslakia

/ / Kokoelma kirjoitusharjoituksia / Perusoikeutenne tällä terrorin vuosituhannella

Python

/ / Python hyttysjahdissa ja muita pelejä

RGB-koodi

/ / Python hyttysjahdissa ja muita pelejä / "Hyttysjahti" oppitunnin kulku / HyttysJahti.py / Vaihe 0: Peliohjelman perusrakenne

Rajat ja rakkaus

/ / Näkökohtia

Runge-Kutta

/ / Python hyttysjahdissa ja muita pelejä / "Hyttysjahti" oppitunnin kulku / Voimia ja liikettä

Runge-Kutta menetelmä

/ / Python hyttysjahdissa ja muita pelejä / "Hyttysjahti" oppitunnin kulku / KuuAlus.py / Alus ja sen liikkuminen

Saddam

/ / Joulukuun kuudes 2006 / Irak

Scratch

/ / Harjoitus: proseduraalisen ohjelmoinnin perusrakenteet Scratchilla

Suomettuako

/ / Näkökohtia

TEHYn lakon uhka

/ / TEHYn lakko

The thing around your neck

/ / Lähtövalmisteluja / Odottelua / Nigerialaista kirjallisuutta

Washingtonin kortti

/ / Vaalidemagogiaa

algoritminen ajattelu

/ / Ohjelmoinnista ja ohjelmoinnin oppimisesta

avaruusalus

/ / Python hyttysjahdissa ja muita pelejä / "Hyttysjahti" oppitunnin kulku / KuuAlus.py

clock.tick(Nayttotaajuus)

/ / Python hyttysjahdissa ja muita pelejä / "Hyttysjahti" oppitunnin kulku / HyttysJahti.py / Vaihe 0: Peliohjelman perusrakenne

differentiaaliyhtälön numeeriseksi ratkaisemiseksi

/ / Python hyttysjahdissa ja muita pelejä / "Hyttysjahti" oppitunnin kulku / Voimia ja liikettä

elämänkatsomustieto

/ / Näkökohtia

gallup

/ / Joulukuun kuudes 2006 / Gallup-demokratia

idioottien maailmanherruus

/ / Näkökohtia

ilmanvastus

/ / Python hyttysjahdissa ja muita pelejä / "Hyttysjahti" oppitunnin kulku / Voimia ja liikettä

itäinen demokratia

/ / Joulukuun kuudes 2006 / Irak

kotirauha

/ / Kokoelma kirjoitusharjoituksia / Perusoikeutenne tällä terrorin vuosituhannella

malaria

/ / Facebook historiaa 2011 — 2012 / Toukokuu 2012

musiikkinäytteet

/ / Puudelin elämää / Musiikkia?

muutosvastarinta

/ / Syksy 2008 / Muutoksen hallinta

ohjelmoinnin perusrakenteita

/ / Python hyttysjahdissa ja muita pelejä

oikeus elämään

/ / Kokoelma kirjoitusharjoituksia / Perusoikeutenne tällä terrorin vuosituhannella

olioluokka

/ / Python hyttysjahdissa ja muita pelejä / "Hyttysjahti" oppitunnin kulku / HyttysJahti.py / Vaihe 2: Luodaan hyttynen

pakkouskonto

/ / Näkökohtia

peliohjelman

/ / Python hyttysjahdissa ja muita pelejä

proseduraalisen ohjelmoinnin

/ / Harjoitus: proseduraalisen ohjelmoinnin perusrakenteet Scratchilla

pygame

/ / Python hyttysjahdissa ja muita pelejä

seksuaalinen häirintä

/ / Seksuaalinen häirintä

suomettuminen

/ / Vaalidemagogiaa

tikittävä pommi

/ / Pieniä mietteitä / Tikittävä pommi

tulosmittari

/ / Syksy 2008 / Muutoksen hallinta

uudelleenkäytettävissä

/ / Ohjelmoinnista ja ohjelmoinnin oppimisesta

while-silmukkaa

/ / Python hyttysjahdissa ja muita pelejä / "Hyttysjahti" oppitunnin kulku / HyttysJahti.py / Vaihe 0: Peliohjelman perusrakenne

yhdenvertaisia

/ / Kokoelma kirjoitusharjoituksia / Perusoikeutenne tällä terrorin vuosituhannella

yhteisöllisyys

/ / Syksy 2008 / Muutoksen hallinta


Viisauksia

The text maybe difficult or even invisible in Chrome. Chrome has had some color related bugs, so I decided to wait rather than take the time to by-pass the problem.

Some primal termite knocked on wood. And tasted it, and found it good. And that is why your Cousin May Fell through the parlor floor today.

Ogden Nash

The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.

Mark Twain

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Edmund Burke

Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife, Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and subject Sir Lancelot.

"Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you."

Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's blessing and took charge of the key.

Arthur mounted his steed and rode off. Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.

"What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.

"My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"

The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said,

"Life is like a bowl of sour cream."

"Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"

"How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"

Ducharme's Axiom:

If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.

REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?

SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political career be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I can't help it.

Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"

You can observe a lot just by watching.

Yogi Berra

So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as large as it needs to be?

"Most of us, when all is said and done, like what we like and make up reasons for it afterwards."

Soren F. Petersen

Grabel's Law:

2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.

The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.

H. G. Wells, "Time After Time"

Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.

Publilius Syrus

Traveller: God has been mighty good to your fields, Mr. Farmer.

Farmer: You should have seen how he treated them when I wasn't around.

Radicalism:

The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.

Ambrose Bierce

Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good. I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.

Watchman Examiner

If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.

"The deepest difference between religions is not that between polytheism and monotheism.... Even the difference between theism and atheism is not nearly so profound as that between these who feel and those who do not feel their brothers' torments."

Walter Kaufmann, "The Faith of a Heretic"

If you don't have time to do it right, where are you going to find the time to do it over?

It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands computers.

What is now proved was once only imagin'd.

William Blake

Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...

Good children always obey.

Quit acting so childish.

Boys don't cry.

If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.

Why do you have to know so much?

This hurts me more than it hurts you.

Why? Because I'm bigger than you.

Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy?

Oh, grow up.

I'm only doing this because I love you.

Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.

Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Meader's Law:

Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know, only more so.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it.

Peace, n.:

In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.

Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.

A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.

That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all the lessons that history has to teach.

Aldous Huxley

HISTORY:

Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view.

Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"

The primary tool of science is skepticism, whose light shrivels unquestioning faith.

Mike Huben

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

We learn from history that we do not learn from history.

Georg Hegel

Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead.

Learn the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the "Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation.

Above all, relax and have a nice day.

Though a man be wise, it is no shame for him to live and learn

I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.

Ashleigh Brilliant

liberal, n.: Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.

When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.

"Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? All I have in the world is this gun."

Antonym, n.:

The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.

"The mark of an immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one."

William Stekel

An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.

"What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"

Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs "Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an outburst like that only a few years ago" - - and he points an imaginary gun to this head and pulls the trigger.

The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat again?"

"It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."

Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987

"It would be very nice if there were a God who created the world and was a benevolent providence, and if there were a moral order in the universe and an after-life; but it is a very striking fact that all this is exactly as we are bound to wish it to be."

Sigmund Freud

Your reasoning is excellent. It's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real good, you will get out of it.

Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough.

Descartes, 1637

You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse of another color, and by the lemma ["All horses are the same color"], that does not exist.

I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn!

Heard in Bethlehem

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results"

Albert Einstein

Die, v.:

To stop sinning suddenly.

Elbert Hubbard

It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"

Remember the guy trying to become the world’s first official climate change refugee? Unfortunately for him and his family, the New Zealand government has ruled against his claim, which means they will be deported back to the sinking island nation of Kiribati. The judge said he couldn’t bend the rules to let the man stay because that would mean “millions more people worldwide suffering from natural disasters or warfare would be eligible to become refugees.” Yeah, judge, that’s kind of the point.

No good deed goes unpunished

The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Franklin P. Jones

Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie).

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

George Carlin

Me, I love the rich. *Somebody* has to love them. Sure, a lot of rich people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people are assholes too. And an asshole with money can at least pay for his own drinks.

Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"

Everthing is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.

It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers? There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everbody speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.

The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.

Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now, they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.

Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"

In those days he was wiser than he is now — he used to frequently take my advice.

Winston Churchill

"Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"

"The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime."

"But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."

"That was the curious incident."

A. Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"

When a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as public property.

Thomas Jefferson

"We thank God for having created this world, and praise Him for having made another, quite different one, where the wrongs of this one are corrected."

Anatole France

The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are correct.

Ralph Hartley

"The missionaries go forth to Christianize the savages as if the savages weren't dangerous enough already."

Edward Abbey

The best defense against logic is ignorance.

The Last Starfighter

Grig (the navigator): ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space armada.

Alex (the gunner): What?!?

Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against overwhelming odds.

Alex: It'll be a slaughter!

Grig: That's the spirit!

O give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, Where the deer and the antelope play, Where seldom is heard A discouraging word, 'Cause what can an antelope say?

"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was."

Walt West

The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.

Nathaniel Howe

People working in the private sector should try to save money. There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.

Norman Augustine

Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.

The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

A. H. Weiler

Tussman's Law:

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.

One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.

Will Durant

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together

Carl Zwanzig

Mental Ground Zero:

The location where one visualizes oneself during the dropping of the atomic bomb; frequently, a shopping mall.

Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"

Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare. Film clips at eleven.

To teach is to learn twice.

Joseph Joubert

If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.

Freeman Dyson

Some men are all right in their place — if they only the knew the right places!

Mae West

A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.

Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.

If god doesn't like the way I live, Let him tell me.

There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.

Be frank and explicit with your lawyer … it is his business to confuse the issue afterwards.

EUPHEMISM — REALITY

Excited about life's journey No concept of reality

Spiritually evolved — Oversensitive

Moody — Manic-depressive

Soulful — Quiet manic-depressive

Poet — Boring manic-depressive

Sultry/Sensual — Easy

Uninhibited — Lacking basic social skills

Unaffected and earthy — Slob and lacking basic social skills

Irreverent — Nasty and lacking basic social skills

Very human — Quasimodo's best friend

Swarthy — Sweaty even when cold or standing still

Spontaneous/Eclectic — Scatterbrained

Flexible — Desperate

Aging child — Self-centered adult

Youthful — Over 40 and trying to deny it

Good sense of humor — Watches a lot of television

Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.

Onasander

The Odyssey by Homer

After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.

Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevski

A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later feels guilty and apologizes.

A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens

A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean lady who knits.

There are no great men, only great challenges that ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.

Admiral William Halsey

"Human beings never think for themselves, they find it too uncomfortable. For the most part, members of our species simply repeat what they are told - and become upset if they are exposed to any different view. The characteristic human trait is not awareness but conformity, and the characteristic result is religious warfare. Other animals fight for territory or food; but, uniquely in the animal kingdom, human beings fight for their 'beliefs.' The reason is that beliefs guide behavior, which has evolutionary importance among human beings. But at a time when our behavior may well lead us to extinction, I see no reason to assume we have any awareness at all. We are stubborn, self-destructive conformists. Any other view of our species is just a self-congratulatory delusion."

Michael Crichton in "The Lost World"

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, it would be a calamity.

Benjamin Disraeli

Anti-Victim Device:

A small fashion accessory worn on an otherwise conservative outfit which announces to the world that one still has a spark of individuality burning inside: 1940s retro ties and earrings (on men), feminist buttons, noserings (women), and the now almost completely extinct teeny weeny "rattail" haircut (both sexes).

Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"

You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

Indecision is the basis of flexibility

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.

John Kenneth Galbraith

Keep me informed on the behaviour of this kernel.. As the "BugFree(tm)" series didn't turn out too well, I'm starting a new series called the "ItWorksForMe(tm)" series, of which this new kernel is yet another shining example.

Linus, in the announcement for 1.3.29

"There is nothing more odious than the majority. It consist of a few powerful men who lead the way; of accommodating rascals and submissive weaklings; and of a mass of men who trot after them without in the least knowing their own minds."

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?

A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of speech, but under the United States constitution they are guaranteed freedom after speech.

being told in Poland, 1987

Flattery is like cologne to be smelled, but not swallowed.

Josh Billings

The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views … which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering.

After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.

Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.

The fact that there is a general belief in a future life is no evidence of its truth.

Clarence Darrow

decafalon, n.:

The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?

Revenge is a form of nostalgia.

The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time.

A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.

The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who, in times of moral crisis, preserved their neutrality."

Dante

If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream and never be our destiny.

Rene de Visme Williamson

The branden dodges your magical sigh. The branden attacks you with a slew of words! The branden misses!

Henning Makholm

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation.

Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

"I have as much authority as the pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it."

[George Carlin, "Brain Droppings"]

Maintainer's Motto:

If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.

Scott's First Law:

No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.

Scott's Second Law:

When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been wrong in the first place.

Corollary:

After the correction has been found in error, it will be impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.

No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the one who's giving it.

Hal Chadwick

HAL

"We've got a problem, HAL".

"What kind of problem, Dave?"

"A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."

"That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."

"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they're not selling."

"Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"

Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."

"Les dieux ont coutume de ressembler à ceux qui les adorent." ("the gods have the custom of resembling those that worship them")

Anatole France

Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.

Eleanor Roosevelt

A faith that cannot survive collision with the truth is not worth many regrets.

Arthur C. Clarke

If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it.

— Thomas Carlyle

Adolescence, n.:

The stage between puberty and adultery.

Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.

REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?

SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political career be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I can't help it.

— Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"

Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time for play?

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.

—  "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young!"

—   "Why, what did she tell you?"

—   "I don't know, I didn't listen!"

Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere."

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

Broad-mindedness, n.:

The result of flattening high-mindedness out.

"There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.

"And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin.

"I could have answered it if I had been there."

"Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in the middle of the night?'"

Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.

— Steve Rubenstein

Noncombatant, n.:

A dead Quaker.

— Ambrose Bierce

If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.

— "Graffiti in the Big Ten"

"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray."

"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"

— Robert Orben

"At least they're EXPERIENCED incompetents"

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."

— Mark Twain

Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts is not necessarily science.

— Henri Poincaire

"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable computers?"

If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it.

Have an adequate day.

Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.

Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!

Joe Cointment

If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to either of you for the rest of the day.

What color is a chameleon on a mirror?

Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has four 10 GHz processors, 20 gigabytes of RAM, 100 Terabytes of disk storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. What's the first question that the computer community asks? "Is it PC compatible?"

My pen is at the bottom of a page, Which, being finished, here the story ends; 'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, But stories somehow lengthen when begun.

Byron

A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

Robert Frost

I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd listen to it!

"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck.

Graffito in Los Angeles

Happiness, n.:

An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.

Did you know that clones never use mirrors?

Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.

The First Commandment for Technicians: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most untechnician-like manner.

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

Impossible, adj.:

I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;

Kin Hubbard

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Fletcher Knebel

You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night, you can always change the channel.

Jim Ignatowski

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.

Emile Henry Gauvreay

Magpie, n.:

A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk.

Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

If you want divine justice, die.

Nick Seldon

Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with was made up of idiots.

Remember? One of them was always getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things:

"Do you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead of every week.

What with all the time these people spent pinned under the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the applications for.

Dave Barry

"I think it is true for all n. I was just playing it safe with n>=3 because I couldn't remember the proof."

Baker Pure Math 351a

"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."

C. Durance Computer Science 234

"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."

Where there's a will, there are relatives.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

War does not determine who is right, only who is left

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be yours too."

Dave Haynie

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, it's too dark to read."

Groucho Marx

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.

Sinclair Lewis

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."

Robert Benchly

I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II."

Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"

Finagle's Second Law:

No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to

(a) misinterpret it,

(b) fake it, or

(c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.

One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.

Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe"

It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? One in a million, perhaps.

I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what entertainment is all about … Idiots, explosives and falling anvils ."

Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson

Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Here in my heart, I am Helen; I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael; I'm Salome, moon of the East. Here in my soul I am Sappho; Lady Hamilton am I, as well. In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell. I'm all of the glamorous ladies At whose beckoning history shook. But you are a man, and see only my pan, So I stay at home with a book.

Dorothy Parker

Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. Galileo: No, unhappy the land that needs heroes.

Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"

Democracy, n.:

A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude toward property is communistic… negating property rights. Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy.

U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), since withdrawn.

Bureaucrats cut red tape — lengthwise.

Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe we should think only about today.

Charlie Brown: No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get better.

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

Any belief worth having must survive doubt.

To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet.

19th century toast

God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Jim Horning

"‎— THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY

(The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)"

Kleeneness is next to Godelness.

Mixed emotions: Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.

With five empty seats.

You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.

As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American talk like that.

Frank Hague, 1896-1956

The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.

Blaise Pascal

A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake, and a moonlit night.

One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk was enlightened.

From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples, who passed it on to theirs.

"The Bible itself is intolerant, and true followers of God's word should be as well."

Bob Jones III

"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent."

If I had any humility I would be perfect.

Ted Turner

Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the "Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax and have a nice day.

Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.

Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres

"My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth—that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally—but I didn't want to upset him." []

Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

"Been through Hell? Whaddya bring back for me?"

A. Brilliant

Please don't recommend me to your friends— it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.

You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence.

Charles A. Beard

To think that the ruler of the universe will run to my assistance and bend the laws of nature for me is the height of arrogance."

Dan Barker, "Losing Faith in Faith"

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

Mark Twain

My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".

Steven Wright

Itseään piilossa on yksinäistä.

It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? One in a million, perhaps.

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.

H. L. Mencken

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

William James

"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."

The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.

"Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."

"How?" demanded Fafhrd.

Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."

Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"

Removing the straw that broke the camel's back does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.

We want to create puppets that pull their own strings.

Ann Marion

To err is human — but it feels divine.

Mae West

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.

When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd listen to it!

Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.

Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get another chance later on.

According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies.

I fell in love at first sight with a young lady on the market place. She wore similar jeans as the girl I was in love at school but who I never dared to approach. The lady on the market place had similar girlish ass as my first love at school. They both had cut their black hair the same way; The "love story" way. I do not know about the faces as I only saw the lady on the market place from behind. I wonder whether love at first sight will last forever.

Heikki

Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.

Being owned by someone used to be called slavery — now it's called commitment.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Dave Barry

…little children who have begun to live in their mothers' womb and have there died, or who, having just been born, have passed away from the world without the sacrament of holy baptism… must be punished by the eternal torture of undying fire."

quoted in "Hell, A Christian Doctrine"

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

— Susan Ertz

You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night, you can always change the channel.

Jim Ignatowski

If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.

Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother.

— Len Cool, "American Pie"

The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.

Benjamin Franklin

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.

"When in doubt, tell the truth."

Mark Twain

I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd listen to it!

Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get another chance later on.

Heaven, n.:

A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.

Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.

In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and make it better.

Hatred, n.:

A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.

Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.

— Sherlock Holmes

Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)

Corrupt, adj.:

In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.

"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."

He thought he saw an albatross That fluttered 'round the lamp. He looked again and saw it was A penny postage stamp. "You'd best be getting home," he said, "The nights are rather damp."

Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to realize it.

"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces …"

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

W. C. Fields

Miten koota kahdesta oivallisesta puolitotuudesta ytimekäs totuus?

Typerän kiistan uhatessa viisas vaikenee. Siihen perustuu idioottien maailmanherruus.

M. Wiberg hesarin artikkelissa.

Never argue with idiots. They bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."

— Ashleigh Brilliant

Itseään piilossa on yksinäistä.

Kuka lie tällaisenkin keksinyt

It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? One in a million, perhaps.

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.

H. L. Mencken

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

William James

Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get another chance later on.

According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies.

I fell in love at first sight with a young lady on the market place. She wore similar jeans as the girl I was in love at school but who I never dared to approach. The lady on the market place had similar girlish ass as my first love at school. They both had cut their black hair the same way; The "love story" way. I do not know about the faces as I only saw the lady on the market place from behind. I wonder whether love at first sight will last forever.

Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.

Horngren's Observation:

Among economists, the real world is often a special case.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

— H. L. Mencken

Don't worry about avoiding temptation — as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.

— The Old Farmer's Almanac

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.

— D. J. Hicks

Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year

Nukkekoti

Olipa kerran nukkekoti. Siellä asui kaunis blondi, joka aina aamulla keitti kaurapuuroa lenkin jälkeen. Kalusteet oli sellasia Lundby-jutskia ja ovessa roikkui kukkakranssi. Blondi jutteli naapureiden kanssa aina kun kasteli neliön kokoista nurmikkoaan etupihalla.

No sitten se blondi heräs. Joku saatana oli tatuoinu sen ihan merimiehen näköseks, tukka oli sekasin, ripsivärit poskilla ja jotain möhnää all over. Joku helvetin örkki oli kai sweet talkannu ittensä neitsytkammioon ja vieny nuken viattomuuden. Vittu.

Niks Naks Nukke City-lehden web-sivuilla

A lie in time saves nine.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Noelie Alito

I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.

Bill Veeck

"Fantasies are free."

"NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Woody Allen

What is research but a blind date with knowledge?

Will Harvey

To be happy one must be

a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in Zion,

b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's fellow men, and

c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste.

It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country in the world wherein a man constituted as I am — a man of my peculiar weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions — can be so happy as he can be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States and not be happy

H. L. Mencken, "On Being An American"

Granted, Win95's look wasn't all that new either - Apple tried to sue Microsoft for copying the Macintosh UI / trash can icon, until Microsoft pointed out that Apple got many of its Mac ideas (including the trash can icon) from Xerox ParcPlace. Xerox is probably still wondering why everyone is interested in their trash cans.

Danny Thorpe, Borland Delphi R&R

It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.

Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)

Caution: Keep out of reach of children.

God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's.

The general root of superstition is that men observe when things hit, and not when they miss and commit to memory the one, and pass over the other.

Sir Francis Bacon

We learn from history that we learn nothing from history.

George Bernard Shaw

Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway! The Squirrels' Motto

The "Hell's Angels of Nature"

When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.

Otto Von Bismarck

weapon, n.:

An index of the lack of development of a culture.

Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.

Austen Briggs

Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster.

Allocate an array and free the middle third? Sure! Why not?

Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead!

Free a controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say!

Write a recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan.

How could a language so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?

He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.

Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.

Ashleigh Brilliant

My mind is incapable of conceiving such a thing as a soul. I may be in error, and man may have a soul; but I simply do not believe it.

Thomas Edison, "Do We Live Again?"

Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.

Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987

When a professor in a college finds a fact, he should make it known, even if it is inconsistent with something Moses said.

Robert G. Ingersoll, "Some Mistakes of Moses", 1879

Underdogging:

The tendency to almost invariably side with the underdog in a given situation. The consumer expression of this trait is the purchasing of less successful, "sad," or failing products:

"I know these Vienna franks are heart failure on a stick, but they were so sad looking up against all the other yuppie food items that I just had to buy them."

Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"

Ozmosis:

The inability of one's job to live up to one's self-image.

Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"

Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"

Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.

B. Franklin

Why isn't there some cheap and easy way to prove how much she means to me?

The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.

Guns don't kill, men do. More specifically men with guns.

Guns don't kill, men do. Still, isn't sort of overkill to prohibit men?

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".

Philip K. Dick

I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli- gence?"

I give the standard arguments — there are a lot of places out there, and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as yet no compelling evidence for it.

And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you really think?"

I say, "I just told you what I really think."

"Yeah, but what's your gut feeling?"

But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.

Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12, Fall 87

However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and "D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans in the name of "conservatism."

Senator Barry Goldwater, from the Congressional Record, September 16, 1981

My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I want to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live.

Erica Jong

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.

Howard Aiken

Veni, Vidi, VISA:

I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"

— Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?

— I think it would be a good idea.

"The Roman Catholic church, convinced that it is the only true church, must demand the right to freedom for herself alone and the end of freedom for all others."

[Jesuit publication]

There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not.

Robert Benchley

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.

Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King

First Law of Socio-Genetics:

Celibacy is not hereditary.

Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other "sins" are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful — just stupid).

Lazarus Long

Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.

Pericles

The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell.

Confucius

FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6

What to do…

if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard? First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive, they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude. Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.

if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your closet contains an alternate dimension? Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back, and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains an alternate dimension, nail it shut.

Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or "mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such experiences today. Here is his account of what happened:

I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the thought I should find uppermost in my mind.

The mighty music of the triumphal march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment. The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the knowledge of the cherubim.

As my natural condition returned, I remembered my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness. The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder):

`A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'

The Consumers Union Report: Licit and Illicit Drugs

To avoid suffocation, keep away from children.

I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.

Roy Croft

The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.

Bill Maher

If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.

Chief Dan George

Linux supports the notion of a command line or a shell for the same reason that only children read books with only pictures in them. Language, be it English or something else, is the only tool flexible enough to accomplish a sufficiently broad range of tasks.

Bill Garrett

A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.

Oh, when I was in love with you, Then I was clean and brave, And miles around the wonder grew How well did I behave.
And now the fancy passes by, And nothing will remain, And miles around they'll say that I Am quite myself again.

A. E. Housman

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Rita Rudner

It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.

Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been elected governor of California.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

Ben Franklin

"There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible."

Richard Davisson

To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.

Just think of the tragedy of teaching children not to doubt.

Clarence Darrow

I believe that part of what propels science is the thirst for wonder. It's a very powerful emotion. All children feel it. In a first grade classroom everybody feels it; in a twelfth grade classroom almost nobody feels it, or at least acknowledges it. Something happens between first and twelfth grade, and it's not just puberty. Not only do the schools and the media not teach much skepticism, there is also little encouragement of this stirring sense of wonder. Science and pseudoscience both arouse that feeling. Poor popularizations of science establish an ecological niche for pseudoscience.

Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12, Fall 87

I would like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he is now working on.

If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a guru at all?

Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"

No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the one who's giving it.

Hal Chadwick

The universe, they said, depended for its operation on the balance of four forces which they identified as charm, persuasion, uncertainty and bloody-mindedness.

Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"

If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong.

"The happy do not believe in miracles."

Goethe

Because we don't think about future generations, they will never forget us.

Henrik Tikkanen

Maintainer's Motto:

If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.

Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:

CPOPI Punch Operator Immediately

PVLC Punch Variable Length Card

RASC Read And Shred Card

RPM Read Programmers Mind

RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy)

RTAB Rewind tape and break

RWDSK rewind disk

RWOC Read Writing On Card

SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write

SLC Search for Lost Chord

SPSW Scramble Program Status Word

SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk

STROM Store in Read Only Memory

TDB Transfer and Drop Bit

WBT Water Binary Tree

Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Aphorism, n.:

A concise, clever statement.

Afterism, n.:

A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.

James Alexander Thom

I will not play at tug o' war. I'd rather play at hug o' war, Where everyone hugs Instead of tugs, Where everyone giggles And rolls on the rug, Where everyone kisses, And everyone grins, And everyone cuddles, And everyone wins. Shel Silverstein, "Hug o' War"